We Go On
by wallflower.raine
Summary: It was nothing, something, a fantasy deviated. Olivia/Alex. Femslash.
1. Fantasy Deviated

A cold mist escaped her lips as she breathed out. She closed her eyes and paused, her step slowing and halting on the pavement. She didn't flinch as people surged around her, jostling her thin frame side to side with the current. She was a leaf on the wind, the surging unity of the crowd scrubbing her clean and pure.

She broke away. She was something wild and something different; she was someone who could no long blend with society. She had seen too much; she was yanked from the eternal bliss that occupied the minds of the people. She was desensitized. She was cold.

She breathed out, the cloud of air illuminated by the streetlamps. She kept walking until she reached Rockefeller center and looked down onto the skating rink, and the Christmas tree that overlooked it. Kids laughed as they ran around with their balloons and pretzels.

A little girl slammed into her, and Alex looked down, shocked at how much the little girl resembled the one from her last case.

Wait, wait no, she didn't. The little girl looked at Alex, puzzled and ran away.

She was going crazy. She was going crazy with pain and disbelief and loneliness. The cases she worked were barely tolerable, and the girls she picked up were hardly extraordinary. No one would break her shell; hell, no one _could_ break the shell she had built up over herself, except one person.

She longed for her touch, for the feel of her lips, for her hair tangled around her fingers. Alex closed her eyes and leaned on the railing, feeling the cold metal seep through her coat and brush her skin. She wanted to feel her hands brush up her back, up to her shoulders to gently rub her neck and shoulders, her nails digging in ever so slightly.

She so envied the woman Olivia had staked a claim to. Alex looked down at the rink, imagining them there, skating side by side, and holding hands. She tore her eyes away and shook her head. She saw how Olivia looked at that woman every time she stopped by the station. Room mate, yeah right; she had been around long enough to know that ruse.

Her feet were now taking her away from the rink, towards the street, where she raised her hand for a taxi. Her brain was still stuck in her fantasy.

Normally, she lived for days like this, where she spent time building up her case with statements at the station; she could face off; push the rules to their breaking. The puzzles kept her entertained, engaged, thinking. Always she would come in and make up an excuse to see Olivia, talk to her about the case, and try to spend as much time around her. The detective found it overbearing at first, but now welcomed her presence by asking her nonsensical legal questions in return. And whenever Alex blew a gasket trying to get around a legal barrier, Olivia would take her arm playfully and go to coffee with her; in return, whenever Olivia would kick a trashcan across the room in frustration, Alex would drag her to the park and force her to take a walk. It was how they could calm each other down.

They rarely talked about their personal lives; instead they focused on things they had in common: how they got into the field, the people they met, how ridiculous Munch's glasses were… but it seemed that all those combined hours had somehow skipped over one topic: relationships. If one brought it up, the other would stonewall until the topic was forgotten for something else. It was the way things worked.

Today, Olivia had been especially tense. She had been avoiding Alex, brushing roughly past her with files that morning and sitting at her desk, working for a good three hours straight, while Alex was station behind the two-way, pulling together a case. It was slowly killing her, seeing her friend so tense and troubled. Alex softly excused her self from the room behind the two-way and walked out into the station's office.

Olivia spotted her and walked up.

"I thought you were working on the interrogation."

"They're wrapping up right now."

Olivia nodded and leaned onto a desk, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Coffee or walk?"

Olivia opened one eye as Alex spoke. "Both. I think I need to tell you something."

"What is it?" The pair of them are walking in Central Park, holding steaming coffees. Olivia stares at her feet, unable to look at her blonde friend.

"I'm uh, kind of seeing someone."

"Oh," Alex's answer is simple and neutral. She looks over at Olivia and accidentally brushes shoulders with her. Olivia doesn't seem to notice. This conversation is uncharted territory in their relationship, and neither one of them knows what to happen or how to act. Olivia clears her throat and takes a breath.

"So this, uh, person that I'm seeing she's, uh…"

"She?" Alex and Olivia both stop walking and stare at each other. Olivia, waiting for a reaction, and Alex, biting her tongue as her suspicions are confirmed.

"Yeah, she's uh, great. Her name's Farah."

"Oh," Alex feigns surprise as Olivia names her roommate. Olivia is too caught up in her thoughts to call out the farce. "She nice," Alex picks her words carefully. Olivia, relieved at Alex's reaction, starts walking again.

"How long have you two been seeing each other?"

"A little over a year now," Olivia shrugs and takes a drink from her coffee.

"She's pretty," Alex nods and raises the cup to her lips. They keep walking, using their coffee as an excuse to keep silent.

"Have you been, uh, seeing anyone?" Olivia breaks the silence with her question.

"Not uh, not seriously, no; just a few dates with a few different people."

This time, Olivia does notice how Alex is speaking and bites her lip as her friend pauses slightly before saying people.

"What kind of people?" she's pushing it. Alex just shrugs.

"People-people; I don't know. Nothing ever really sticks. By the end of the night usually nothing happens and she just goes home."

"She?" Olivia raises her eyebrows for real this time. Alex blushes and turns away to hide it.

"Oh, uh, yeah."

"So you're…?"

"Yeah," both women are silent as they continue walking. They both become preoccupied watching the people flit around that the silence becomes comfortable, almost familiar, and Olivia grabs Alex's hand.

"Oh, uh, sorry," Olivia yanks her hand away before Alex can even think to enjoy the moment. Her face falls and Olivia is too embarrassed to even take note. She tucks her free hand into her jacket pocket swallows in embarrassment.

"Habit; sorry," Olivia says. Alex nods that she's okay, and the two turn and walk back to the station.

It was the day that they both learned something of each other, and the day that the crack in the foundation of Alexandra Cabot began to spread as her heart burst with either love or lust. She couldn't really tell.

It had been a while since the park incident. Alex stands where she usually does on nights like this, coffee in hand, leaning on the railing of the upper plaza and looking down on Rockefeller center. It's touristy, but she doesn't care. It played to the romanticism that always threatened to escape her imagination.

Olivia was supposed to meet her here in a few minutes. She had called, wanting to talk, sounding like she needed to talk, and Alex had to say yes. Barriers between them had been felled like dominoes since they had first spoken in the park, and no matter how hard she tried to prevent it, Alex had crumbled. She had absolutely crumbled into the ground as her foundation gave out, leaving her in a puddle of yearning and confusion. She rests her head on her hands and sighs, jolting upwards as her cell phone rings.

"Liv?" the sound on the other end of the line is muffled. "Liv?" Alex tries again; she pauses as there is fumbling on the other line and Olivia's voice comes through.

"Farah broke up with me," Olivia sounds teary and Alex bites her lip. Olivia is not one to cry; worry, yes, but not cry. Not unless she was very upset.

"Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?" Alex asks softly. Olivia mumbles yes over the phone. "Where are you?" Alex asks. She scans the crowd to spot her friend but can't discern between the surging bodies moving around each other. It was like she was transported back to that moment weeks ago, before she was out to Olivia, and before that little fantasy in her head had even an inkling of possibility.

"I couldn't wait to tell you in person," Olivia's voice over the phone brings Alex back to real life and out of her head. Alex nods, even though she knows Olivia can't see her.

"Where are you?" Olivia sniffles, asking Alex's unanswered question. She herself stands near a pretzel stand, the light from the streetlight casting an unearthly shadow across her cheekbones.

"Over near the Christmas tree," Alex rubs her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater and looks down again to the ice skating rink. She barely registers Olivia's goodbye as she clicks her phone shut.

She no longer sees Farah and Olivia skating hand in hand down below on the ice, and she no longer sees the faces of all the victims everywhere she goes. Maybe as her hope grew, her insanity ebbed away.

"Hey," Olivia's voice is soft as she approaches Alex from behind and places her hands on her shoulders, massaging gently. Alex should be doing the comforting, but the moment is so near to perfect, for a moment, she can't move. She breaks her stupor and turns around, grabbing Olivia's hand. Olivia's eyes are red and puffy, and her hair is slightly disheveled.

It's a fantasy deviated, but Alex squeezes her hand. It's the scene from the walk in the park, except neither of them pulls away; it's as if all of Alex's fantasies and storylines are falling into place. Both of them pause slightly, and Alex ever so slightly pulls Olivia forward. Olivia turns her head and leans in, kissing Alex under the tree. Alex leans into her and smiles, until reality comes crashing down.

Olivia wouldn't kiss her if everything was alright; the desperation of the kiss sends a stone to Alex's stomach and she realizes she's just a rebound. But for now, that is good enough for her.


	2. Never Leave You

Her skin is hot and sticky from her touch. Alex runs her hands down Olivia's sides, wrapping her arms around her waist and pulling her in closer. Olivia's lips trail down Alex's jaw line, nipping and tickling down to her collarbones. Alex gently lifts Olivia's shirt, but a bony hand grasps her wrist.

"Alex… no," Olivia grabs her chin and brings her head up to meet her eyes.

They're on the couch in Olivia's apartment. Alex is curled up, almost on top of her. Olivia takes a breath, panting slightly, and closes her eyes.

"No."

"Why?" Alex is love-starved and her dream is right in front of her. She kisses Olivia on the cheek. "Why?"

"I can't use you like this," Olivia lets Alex's hand go and gently removes the blonde from her lap. "I can't destroy this in one night," The detective stands, avoiding Alex's eyes, and walks to her bathroom.

Alex can hear the water running and Olivia cursing. She waits silently on the couch until Olivia walks out again and sits on the opposite end. She turns so her knee is bumping Alex's.

"I'm sorry," Olivia's eyes sear Alex. The blonde relents and looks down.

"I know," Alex slides closer towards her and gently takes her into her arms. Olivia doesn't resist. "I know you can't destroy our friendship." She halts in mid sentence and tenses as she feels Olivia's tears tricking down her arms. It was wrong. She was the one who cried on Olivia's shoulder after work. It was a reversal, a twist in the plot.

She didn't mind.

Alex looks around the apartment, taking in the scattered photographs, the bare places in the walls and in the bookshelves where Farah had taken her things back.

"Where did Farah go?" Alex asks the question tentatively, slowly rubbing circles in Olivia's back. Olivia sniffles and sighs.

"She's at a friend's. She couldn't deal with me any more."

Alex knew what she meant. Farah couldn't deal with the haunted look Olivia's eyes carried, the hard detachment, and the cool demeanor towards the violence of the city. She wanted someone who could hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right. Olivia needed that too.

"It's okay," Alex kisses her cheek gently and sits cross legged on the couch, awkwardly hugging Olivia from the side. They stayed like that for a while; frozen in time, until Olivia's breathing calmed and her head rested gently on Alex's shoulder. Alex gently pulls herself away from the couch and lays Olivia down, covering her with the blanket draped over the back of the couch.

"Alex," Olivia's soft rasp stops the blonde in her tracks. "Alex, please stay."

Alex grabs Olivia's hand and sits back on the couch, curling up under the blanket and letting Olivia's arm drape over her waist.

"I'm never going to leave you."

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay everyone! Thankfully, I'm on break now, which means a lot of writing time. Thank you for the kind comments! Sorry for this chapter being a bit short; I'm planning one more chapter after this one, and then a sequel, so keep reading! Lots of love! 3 Raine**


	3. Newton's Third Law update

"…so the guy says, the guys says…" Olivia is laughing so hard tears are gathering in her eyes. Alex sits with a placid smile on her face, the corners of her lips twitching in amusement at the story. They're in the squad room, and Alex is sitting in a borrowed chair next to Olivia's desk.

It had been a month since the incident at Alex's apartment; the morning after, Alex had awoken snuggled up next to Olivia's back on Olivia's bed. At first, she had panicked, thinking it had been another one night stand, and that she was in a stranger's apartment. But then Olivia had turned over and locked eyes with Alex, and the anxiety dissipated, only to be replaced with a sinking fear. She'd scuttled off the bed.

"Did I sleep with you?"

Olivia had made a half amused, half embarrassed face and shook her head no, explaining that she had awoken in the middle of the night and moved herself and Alex to the bed.

Of course, Alex had been too drunk off of joy to realize she would have been fine on the couch.

"Then Munch went off on his Big Brother paranoia and all the conspiracy theories, but the guy doesn't flinch. He just…" Olivia's laughing brings Alex back to the present. Alex keeps the half-grin plastered on her face and her eyes dart around the squad room, watching people being led in and out. Since the night at Rockefeller center, she couldn't shake the thought that if she didn't do anything soon, the world was going to go on without her and resume it's normal ticking schedule; or maybe she was in a dream, and any moment she was going to wake up and be alone, and that the last month was all a fictitious story invented in her mind.

"You alright?" Olivia gives Alex a soft glance and gently lays her hand on Alex's arm. Alex pulls away ever so slightly.

"Just feeling a little stressed," Alex stands and strides without another word toward the exit, but the cold air blowing in from outside repels her and sends her toward the loft, Olivia catching up behind her. Alex sits on one of the couches and presses the heels of her palms into her eyes. Everything was so goddamn stressful all the time; she appreciated Olivia's efforts to lighten the mood, but the woman who had just taken a seat beside her was one of the people driving her up the wall.

Olivia hands Alex a cup of coffee and lets her hands linger, entangling her finger's with Alex's. Alex looks up and Olivia sees a flash of something play out over her eyes. She knows Alex is determined to get both her way and to keep her dignity while doing it, and it's slowly starting to eat at her.

It had taken all of her willpower to tell Alex to stop that night after Farah had broken up with her. She glances over at the blonde and purses her lips slightly; she would have given anything kiss her again, after that night. It scared her, the willingness she had to throw a relationship away for some sort of physical comfort. Right now, she can smell the light floral tones of Alex's shampoo, and Olivia welcomes the scent. It's a stark contrast to the spicy, dangerous smell Farah carried, and helps her forget about her ex. Bit by bit; Alex's scent was making its way into her life.

_Alex_ was making her way into her life. Before, they had been supportive friends; but more and more, they were spending evenings together, talking and laughing, forgetting about work and all the people they knew. It was just the two of them, and Olivia liked that. It seemed like Alex had started where Farah stopped… Olivia stopped the thought in her head. She couldn't keep comparing the two of them like that.

But right now, at the sight of Alex staring into her coffee, her mouth hard and her eyes flickering with a deep thought, Olivia wants to wrap her arms around her and remind her that she's there. But she doesn't; she can't allow herself to risk scaring Alex away.

"Liv, Elliot, we've got a case," the captain walks in waving a file and Olivia gives one last glace at Alex before walking down the stairs and taking the manila folder. She wishes she could have asked Alex what was going on.

A month of involuntary abstinence and Alex is itching to go. She's itching for any human contact, any experience, anything. Ever since Olivia, she can't bear to go out anymore; even though they had never talked about the incident on the couch, it seemed like she would be cheating. The files splayed out on the desk stare Alex in the face, but Alex can only sigh. Her foundation is cracking right underneath her, and not even flinging herself into her work could save her now. She had been so close: it had been the final scene, the climax of the film; in which the two lovers profess their adoration for each other and kiss. Now, it was like the movie had cut out and left her nothing but a blank, unreadable screen.

"Alexandra Cabot?" Alex looks up as she hears her name called, expecting a secretary or an intern, but instead, Olivia stands there, holding two coffee cups with a candy cane plunked in each. Olivia smiles as Alex beams at her; she can't help it. It's the first look of joy on the ADA's normally cold face that she's seen in days. Alex nods and Olivia wanders into the office, sidling up to the desk. Alex gives her a puzzled look, but Olivia just grins and hands Alex her coffee and coat, leading her swiftly out of the building, her arm wrapped around her waist. It's her version of an apology to Alex for not being able to go out with her the day before, after Alex had been staring worriedly into her coffee. Alex looks up at Olivia before leaning her head on her shoulder; her first reaction was to shy away from the affection that could possibly ruin their friendship, but instead, Alex enjoys it. Olivia gives her a miniscule squeeze before speaking.

"So, Christmas is in two days…" Olivia starts out slowly. Alex side glances at her.

"Crime never rests, not even for the holidays."

Olivia shakes her head and gives a half-laugh agreeing with her. "I was wondering, Al… if you'd maybe like to spend Christmas with me, at my place."

"No," Alex shakes her head, a slight glimmer in her eye. Olivia doesn't catch it and her face falls.

"I mean no, Liv, I want you to come to my place," Alex smiles and allows herself to hug Olivia, right there in the middle of the street. She pulls away after a fraction of a second and keeps walking.

"New memories are good memories. I don't want to be a replacement; besides, you've only been over once." It was strange for Alex, to let down her professional guard once on the street with Olivia. Inside the station, they were colleagues, but once they were on the street, she could lose the cold farce that she always put up. 'Trademark lawyer' Olivia had said when Alex explained it to her.

"Deal," Olivia smiles and doesn't try to push it with another hug, and instead walks at Alex's side. "So about the case… we need to get a warrant for a blood sample from…"

"Shhh…" Alex hisses, staring straight forward. "Let's just walk for a moment."

She wanted to revel in her fantasy come to life.

**Author's Note: Newton's Third Law, revised. I am so sorry for that crap I submitted earlier; somehow, between stress and the season, something scrambled my brains enough to make me think that that last update was a good idea. So I'm so sorry guys and I hope you enjoy this version a whole lot more! Hopefully, you'll see me for a Christmas update, and that will be my gift to you. Your reviews and comments are great to read as well; I love to hear from you! Happy holidays! 3 Raine**


	4. It's A Wonderful Life

"Olivia, its Christmas." Alex feels almost childlike when she shakes Olivia's shoulder. Olivia blinks and raises her head, turning to Alex and smiling. They had fallen asleep on Alex's couch, Christmas Eve, watching It's a Wonderful Life. The flat screen television in the ADA's apartment was silently running through some Christmas special, and the coffee mugs from last night were leaving rings on the coffee table, but Alex didn't mind.

It was perfect. Absolutely perfect; a lot of people had told her that perfection was something in the eye of the beholder, and Alex is eager to believe them. Even Olivia, with her bloodshot eyes and messy hair, rolling off the couch and slinking to the bathroom in an almost comical fashion, looks beautiful.

Alex stretches and sighs contentedly, getting up to flick on her electric fireplace, noticing the small pile of gifts that had accumulated under her tree; mostly from family of recent victims, colleagues and a few friends, but she is excited for a particular present; wrapped in purple and silver paper and topped with a bow, it reads 'From Olivia' on the tag.

"Morning Al," Olivia smiles as she strides out of the bathroom, her hair fixed and teeth brushed. She had already agreed to spend the night at Alex's, but she hadn't planned on sleeping on the couch; her back was killing her. It then occurred to Olivia that this was the second time that she and Alex had fallen asleep on a couch together. In fact, it was so comfortable lying down with the blonde that Olivia was surprised that she hadn't immediately fallen asleep.

"Ready for gifts?" Alex returns from the bathroom before Olivia can even register that she left in the first place; Liv nods and cracks a slight smile.

"What? No breakfast first?"

"Presents, than breakfast," Alex hands Olivia a small box from under the coffee table and sits by her side, pressing their shoulders together.

"Go ahead and open it," Alex says, and Olivia gives her a glance before tearing into the paper.

"Wow Alex! That's so… that's so nice of you. Thank you; I love it," Olivia grins ear to ear and gives the blonde an awkward side-hug. She's holding Alex's gift, a brand new leather gun holster; Olivia had been complaining in the last few weeks about how she was going to accidentally discharge her weapon because the 'goddamn strap on this holster is going to break any second'.

Alex grins her response and eyes the gift Olivia hands her, playing with the bow on top.

"A little fancy, don't you think?"

"Just open it," Olivia leans forwards with her elbows on her knees and waits while Alex tears into the paper.

"Oh Liv," Alex smiles brightly as she takes her gift, a monogrammed silver pen, into her hands. _Alexandra Cabot_ is engraved into the side. "It's beautiful. Thank you so much," Alex looks Olivia dead in the eyes and something sparks between them. It is reminiscent of the feeling Alex gets when she sees the first snowfall of winter. It was something magical, something irresistibly electric. Olivia feels it too.

"You're beautiful," Olivia whispers.

Alex doesn't even hesitate. She leans forward and presses her lips to Olivia's, draping her arm over Liv's shoulder. Olivia kisses back without thinking, grabbing Alex's free hand with her own.

'_Merry Christmas.'_

**Merry Christmas everyone; happy holidays and I hope you are having a wonderful time. Please R&R because I love to hear from you, and I finally figured out how to respond to comments without my laptop flipping out, so I will get back to everyone ASAP!**

**Merry Christmas and a happy New Year everyone, love you all—Raine**

**Edit: Submitted the wrong version by accident, then deleted it and didn't upload this one, which is why your alerts were probably freaking out. Sorry! Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas/Ramadan/Solstice/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa etc C:**


	5. Glass Butterflies

_Emily._

_So many lights… sirens…_

"_Alex!"_

_Olivia… Olivia…_

"_Alex sweetie, stay with me!"_

"_C'mon Alex, you can do it. The ambulance is almost here," Elliot is talking now. My eyes are blurred and I can feel a slow, creeping darkness coming over my head._

"_Alex!"_

_Olivia has my hand and she's crouched over me. I can't remember… an ambulance pulls up to the curb and I see the paramedics stepping out, grabbing equipment and rushing toward us._

"_Son of a bitch shot her…" Elliot again; he's yelling something at the EMT. Olivia is crouched by me, cradling my head. I glance up at her and see tears gathering in the corners of her eyes._

_ I follow her glance and see the pool of blood cascading down my chest._

_Emily?_

_ "You're dead," I wake up to a man in a uniform standing over me. I clench my hand, only to feel the sharp pain of an IV needle lodged in my vein. The walls are white and it takes me a moment to register where I am; the beeping of a heart monitor nearly lulls me back to sleep but the man in the uniform nudges me again. _

_ "What… do you mean?" I whisper. It takes me a moment to register what had happened. The bar, the man with the gun… Olivia._

_ "There was an attempt on your life by the cartels you were prosecuting, Miss Cabot. You almost died; you are being moved for your own safety into the Witness Protection Program where you will be given a new identity…" The officer gives a sympathetic pat to my knee and walks out of the room._

_ Fade to black again._

_Emily…_

_ I think this is a dream. I nervously adjust the scarf on my head as my thoughts blur together. I had asked, no-- begged, to see Elliot and Olivia one last time. _

_ I wanted to see the people I had known for so many years. I wanted to see the people who saved my life._

_ I wanted to see the woman I was falling in love with._

_ It's my entire fault… the entire case, my obsession with justice… I pushed too far. Too far, and now I'm dead, officially._

_ I can't, I couldn't bear to touch her. I want to sweep her into my arms and kiss her. After our first kiss, our first true kiss, Olivia receives the call._

_ A month and a suspect later, I'm splayed out on the concrete, bleeding out._

_Olivia…_

_Emily…_

_ When we're in bed together, he whispers my name._

Alex wakes with a start and sits up in bed, breathing heavily. She closes her eyes and takes a breath, taking in the silence and darkness of her bedroom. The sleeping shape next to her stirs softly and rubs his eyes.

"Emily, are you alright?"

"Fine, just… fine; damn raccoon woke me up."

The man next to her sits up and starts rubbing her back in slow, gentle circles; he inquires if she's had a nightmare. Alex denies it and climbs out of bed. It's her house-- she can't leave; but she doesn't have the heart to kick her boyfriend out.

_Boyfriend; _she hadn't had a remotely real one since high school. This was how it was in Witness Protection; they'd changed her name, her identity… hell, even her sexuality went straight out the window. She couldn't bear to even be remotely near another woman, or at least, near the type of woman she'd go for. Too painful, too much of a reminder of her almost-lover and close friend; she couldn't even bring pictures from her past life. It was too dangerous.

"I've got to get to work," Alex's thoughts are interrupted by the man climbing from her bed and stretching. She glances at the clock and sees that it's 5:30am.

"That's early."

"I have to get home to shower and change; I've got a lot of meetings at the firm today."

"Oh," Alex sits back down on the edge of her bed and barely moves when the man bends down to kiss her lips. She watches him leave.

He was nice, yes he was nice. Dumb as a doornail when it came to law, but nice.

_Love is patient, love is kind._

Alex stares at the carpet until she hears her front door open and close. It was too quiet here. Too rural; sometimes at night she would put Cops on the television, just to hear the sirens and noise she's accustomed too. She puts her head in her hands.

Was this it? Was this the final scene, the closing argument? Alex falls back into her bed and curls up, feeling the darkness of sleep pull over her head.

She's awakes to a phone call. It's the Agent she was assigned too, and she feels a bolt of panic run through her skin. They'd found her, didn't they? The paranoia that was always at the back of her mind ran forward at full speed as Alex mumbled out her answers and got dressed, waiting for the Marshall at the door.

"What is it? What's happened?" Alex opens the door as the Agent knocks and feels her heart jump into her throat as she sees Captain Cragen at his side.

"Alex," The Captain mumbles. She just nods numbly and opens the door.

* * *

"Alex…" Alex feels her heart drop as Olivia says her name; if this keeps up any longer she's going to go into full-blown tachycardia. She looks around and recognizes the redhead from White Collar Crimes; she supposes that McCoy figured Novak's hands-on bullwhip approach would be good for SVU. She wonders if it is.

She wants to cross the Captain's office and hug Olivia as tightly as she can, but instead she stays stock still, staring. Olivia's eyes glitter.

* * *

"I'm happy for you," Elliot has just left the temporary apartment Alex is staying in, and Olivia has just slipped through the door. Alex smiles at her and gazes out into the city; she's just told her about the man she's been seeing. Olivia reacts like Alex predicted; she nods and congratulates her, and the two stare out the window as Alex shakes her head.

"Please kiss me," she breaks the silence and turns to the Detective, who has tears welling up in her eyes. Alex has never seen Olivia cry before, and before she knows it, Olivia's mouth is on hers, and Alex can feel her hands resting gently on her slim hips. She's first to break the kiss, and she looks out the window first, avoiding eye contact.

"I've been waiting three years to kiss you."

Olivia smiles and whispers softly, "I could say the same to you. I missed you, Alex. I still miss you."

Alex nods, her soft blonde hair falling over her eyes. She pulls Olivia into a hug and rests her head on her shoulder.

She wants to stay like this forever; Olivia had promised her, when they were both heartbroken and weary that she would never leave her.

Alex had broken her side of the promise.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'm sorry Liv. I'm so sorry."

Olivia pulls Alex away from her and looks her in the eyes. "It's not your fault."

"I pushed too hard."

"You were being you," Olivia reaches into her pocket and pulls out the silver pen she had given Alex three years prior for Christmas.

"I saved this for you," She slips it into Alex's hand. "The department gave me a box of some things from your office."

Alex smiles and takes the pen. She knows it's dangerous to carry, but she's willing to risk it; anything to connect her to her memories.

"Olivia?"

"Yes?"

"Nothing," Alex pauses and kisses her softly on the lips once more.

The trial the next day is over as quickly as it came. Alex, safe in her position as a witness, provokes the defendant, Connors, the hit-man who had tried to kill her, into confessing to attempted murder. The little boy testifies. The jury rules Guilty on all charges. Olivia leaves nail-marks in Elliot's hand; she's squeezing it so hard, he swears he's bleeding, but he doesn't say a word. Instead he allows himself to smile inwardly as the word 'guilty' echoes through the courtroom.

"Guilty on all counts," Casey holds up a bottle of champagne as she walks into Cragen's office, Elliot's arm slung over her shoulder.

"I never doubted it would be anything else," Elliot grins and steers Casey toward the rest of the team, which had assembled in one corner.

"Alex knows just how to push Connor's buttons," the Captain catches Olivia as she walks in the door, giving her a look. Olivia shrugs innocently.

"She's a great prosecutor."

"And you gave her the ammunition," The Captain gives Olivia one last glance before joining the others. Olivia shakes her head and smiles to herself. Even if she hadn't snuck Alex Connor's file, she would have been able to break him on her own.

"Oh no, don't let me drink too much. Penalty phase starts first thing in the morning…"

Olivia tunes out Casey's bantering with Elliot and watches the door, waiting for Alex.

She never comes. She never even says goodbye. She'd just uprooted and moved with the Marshalls again.

Olivia sinks to the ground the second she closes her apartment door.

It wasn't fair. The world wasn't fair. She runs her fingers through her hair and lets her body shake as tears run down her cheeks, forming salty rivers and eroding the cracks in her foundation.

She'd promised her forever, but she was gone, gone as fast as she had returned; she was reduced to a fleeting memory, a dream maybe. She was like a hallucination, a fragile glass butterfly.

A ghost.

**Authors note: I hope you enjoyed the last installment of We Go On; I had to end it here, I really did. It was starting to become fluffy and the plot was starting to drag on and on. The entire piece was originally written as a oneshot. And before you ask, yes, I am writing and have written a sequel to this. It's currently untitled but it takes place in the new seasons, upon Alex's permanent return. I think it explores the Alex/Olivia dynamic more in-depth.**

**And for those of you confused: the italics are Alex's dream sequence. If you're really super confused, I suggest you watch the episodes 'Loss' and 'Ghost'. I hope that if you haven't seen Ghost this makes sense to you, but I encourage you to watch it if you can because it's a great ep. Chills man, chills.**

**So my first fic has been a real journey here and I hope I entertained you. I've got a fun, humorous Casey fic in the works as well as a House MD fic if you're into that sorta thing.**

**Love you all and sorry for the long note. I really appreciate your guys' responses. I squee a little bit every time a get an email with one C;**

** --Raine**


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